Ask the Mentor

Dear Mentor:  
I’m working at a big firm and seem to spend all my waking hours there – 12-hour days are typical, plus hours on the weekends “catching up.” I can’t find the time to go out with my friends or work out. My spare hours are spent running errands or trying to catch up on my sleep. What happens when I have kids? How will they fit in? Help! How do I get more “life” in my life? 

Signed, Hamster on the Wheel 

Dear Hamster: 

The frustration you’re feeling is a signal that your own personal values may not align with the requirements of your job. When things don’t feel right, your “self” is trying to tell you something. You need to listen. 

American culture plays a huge role in this. We value hard work and being extra busy all the time, and we measure success by how much money we make. (Are those your values?) Americans work significantly more hours than their European counterparts — potentially several more weeks a year. 

In addition, well over half of Americans don’t use all their vacation or sick time (PTO). They feel too guilty to go on vacation or fear they’ll fall behind or lose out on career advancement. 

Business is not built to ensure your personal happiness or fulfillment. It’s built to make money. Sure, your employer (hopefully) cares about you. But I doubt that someone is going from office to office to check on your mental health and happiness. Your employer wants you to bill as many hours as possible, so the firm is as profitable as possible. That’s how business works. But you have choices! Here are some tips: 

1. First, Define What “Work/Life Balance” Means To You

You need to really think about this – what specifically do you want your life to look like? Not just generally, “I want to be happier.” Be specific. You get to choose. 

There are 24 hours in a day. If you sleep 8 (ha, I know) and work 12, that leaves 4 hours for “life.” But eating, commuting, grocery shopping, paying bills, and other mundane tasks eat into those 4 hours. Now you’re down to what … 1 hour a day? 

Work/life balance means something different to everyone. Do you need to walk your dog for an hour every afternoon? Spend quality time with your kids every day, or with your friends a few times each week? Work out at least 5 days a week? I don’t know … what do you enjoy? What would make your life worth living? Do you even know? 

People who become lawyers have been on the hamster wheel for a long time, making lots of sacrifices to achieve this career. Do we even know how to slow down and figure out what we want out of life? Probably not. But it’s time to do just that. 

2. Stop The Judgment

Let’s look at two reactions to your feelings about 12-hour workdays: 

“Maybe you’re not cut out for big law” vs. “You’ll be a lot happier working a more reasonable 8 hours a day.” 

The first one carries a lot of judgment, American-style. If you can’t hack working yourself into the ground, what’s wrong with you!? The second one focuses on you, the unique you, who knows what you want and need to be happy. Maybe you’re one of millions of people who disagrees with our crazy American work ethic. Guess what? It’s your life and YOU get to decide how to live it. Your opinion is the one that matters, not everyone else’s. 

3. Reframe And Be Grateful

If you’re working in big law, you’re probably making a lot of money. You worked really hard for years to get there. Congratulate yourself! Look at that big paycheck every time you get it and take pride in how hard you worked to earn that money. Stop taking it for granted. Be grateful that you were born with intelligence and had the opportunity to go to law school, however you swung it. Be grateful you can pay your student loans and if you don’t have any, be super grateful for that!                                  

In the long run, working this hard may not be for you. That’s great. But for now, focus on all the positives your job provides: the big paychecks and bonuses, the mental challenges, the fulfillment when you solve your clients’ problems, that new car you were finally able to buy, the co-workers you really like. 

4. Accept That You Can’t Have Everything All At Once 

If your job requires you to work 12-hour days to make $200,000 (or whatever) a year, that’s the deal you made. Accept it. If it’s making you unhappy, you need to leave and work somewhere else for less money. You can try to negotiate a “part-time” position, but experience tells me they’ll cut your salary back, but your hours will keep creeping up. 

You may be able to have everything in life, but not all at the same time. Maybe this is the phase where you keep sacrificing your personal life to make a lot of money to reach a goal – to buy a house or pay off your loans or save enough to take a year off to write a book. The next phase may be working a lot less and accepting much lower pay but having the time to spend time with your family and friends, to pursue hobbies you care about, and to really enjoy life when you’re not working. Life is long. 

5. Set Some Boundaries

A boundary is a contract you make with yourself, not with those around you. You can’t control what other people do, and they’ll step all over your boundaries even after you tell them what they are. It’s your responsibility to figure out what you want your boundaries to be, communicate them, and enforce them when people violate them. 

Maybe your boundary is not working past 6 p.m. more than three times a month. Maybe you have to work weekends to get your work done to be able to honor that boundary. If you don’t like that, you need a different job or a different boundary. The point is, you get to decide what works for you. 

A really good boundary is not answering emails or phone calls past 5 p.m. – doing that will teach your clients and bosses they can reach you 24/7, and that’s just crazy and awful and bad for you. Then when they can’t reach you, they’ll be legitimately upset because you’ve taught them you’re always available. Do you want to work 24/7? I didn’t think so. Stop doing that. 

It is perfectly acceptable to be off the clock after work hours. In fact, it’s fantastic. Just because our smart phones and laptops make it possible to be available at all times, it doesn’t mean we should be. 

6. Take Every Single Vacation And Sick Day

Unused PTO leads to burnout, especially in a job as stressful as being a lawyer. Take every single day of your vacation and sick time, and DON’T WORK when you’re on vacation. Don’t answer work emails when you’re on vacation (Seriously, what are you doing?). You’ll come back refreshed and ready to tackle work again if you truly disengage. And if you’re not refreshed after a restful vacation, it’s time to listen to yourself again. You may have the wrong job. 

7. Strategize, Then Leave

Sit down, write out a specific plan with deadlines and goals, then work toward them. I’ve been keeping a life plan/journal on my laptop for decades, and I write in it every morning. It’s a powerful ritual. It’s a proven fact that actually writing down your goals helps you reach them. Become accountable, to yourself! 

8. Just Leave

If your job is making you unhappy, if you’re turning to alcohol or drugs to cope, if you’re getting sick a lot because your immunity is shot, if your spouse is threatening to divorce you because you never help with the kids or around the house, it’s time to make a change. It’s not worth it to stay. Make a plan, find a job that fits you better, take at least a month off (preferably two) before you start your new job, then give your notice. You are in charge of taking care of yourself – just do it!

Send your questions to Ask the Mentor at: Lesa@NewAttorneySecrets.com.

Lesa Christenson, CFLS, has been an attorney since 1985 and practices family law and mediation at ABC Family Law & Mediation, APC and Moore, Schulman & Moore, APC. She also teaches young attorneys the practice skills they need to excel in law firms through her training and coaching company, New Attorney Secrets.